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 Post Jokes Here

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jmiah
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PostSubject: Post Jokes Here   Wed Apr 21, 2010 6:24 pm

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny-Jokes/Blonde-Jokes/Blonde-paint-job.html


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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Wed Apr 21, 2010 6:25 pm

here was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Wed Apr 21, 2010 6:26 pm

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?


It takes too long to re-train them.



What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.


What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.


Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


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PostSubject: 101 Ways To Annoy People   Wed Apr 21, 2010 7:18 pm

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


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jmiah
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Thu Apr 22, 2010 12:56 am

What do you call white people rolling down a mountain. Avalanche.

What do you call mexicans rolling down a mountain. Mudslide.

What do you call black people rolling down a mountain. Jailbreak.

jmiah


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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Fri Apr 23, 2010 2:24 am

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Fri Apr 23, 2010 2:25 am

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

Q: What's brown and often found in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Fri Apr 23, 2010 2:30 am

Yo mama is like a Big Mac, full of fat and only worth a buck. Your Mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued.
Yo Mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and the judges said, "Sorry no professonals."
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Fri Apr 23, 2010 1:36 pm

i love the jokes crazy there funny


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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Sat Apr 24, 2010 3:31 pm

im gonna post more jokes tomorrow
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PostSubject: Weird Al - Weenie In A Bottle Lyrics   Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:25 pm



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PostSubject: emo kid lyrics   Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:27 pm



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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Sun Apr 25, 2010 9:05 pm

Q: WHAT DOES MICHEAL JACKSON HAVE IN COMMON WITH A CLOCK
A:THE BIG HAND IS ON THE LITTLE COCK
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CRAZISbr0
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:49 pm

Hahaha
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Thu Apr 29, 2010 9:58 pm

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a mop and a beer.....he needs the mop to clean up what goes through him lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Fri Apr 30, 2010 9:59 pm

Wow nice pic Remix
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Fri Jun 04, 2010 10:49 pm

A blond walks into a bar!
.....
.....

......
......
.....
.....
OUCH!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Sun Jun 06, 2010 3:09 am

Wow I hate Blonde Jokes! Sad
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duderett



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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Mon Jun 07, 2010 3:40 pm

What's in Obama's wallet?
........
......
........
.........
...........
.........
......
....
...
..
.
Your change!



For more jokes go to tommymcc.4umer.com
my username is doomed4life (im one of the 3 admins)
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PostSubject: Re: Post Jokes Here   Mon Jun 07, 2010 9:23 pm

what are u talking about dudertt (im one of the 3 admins) what u mean by theat


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